Confronting the Blank Page: A Memoir of Self-Discovery and Resilience

In this captivating memoir, the author takes readers on a deeply personal journey of self-discovery, navigating the complexities of identity, sexuality, and the power of the written word. Through a raw and honest exploration of their past, they uncover the transformative process of shedding the masks they once wore and embracing their authentic self.

A Courageous Exploration of Identity and the Transformative Power of Writing

Escaping Reality Through the Written Word

As a young person, the author found solace in the written word, using it as a means to avoid confronting the truth about their identity. Their teenage journals, while not entirely fictional, displayed a decidedly ambivalent relationship with the truth, as they wrote extensively about being a girl attracted to boys, carefully omitting any indication of their true identity and orientation. This act of self-denial was a coping mechanism, a way to fit in and be "like everyone else."The author's reluctance to confront their reality extended even to their personal life, as they stopped writing in their journal just before getting married, fearing that the truth might seep through and disrupt the "happy ending" they had so meticulously orchestrated. It wasn't until years later, after the birth of their four children and a revelation to their therapist, that the author began writing again, this time in the third person, as if to distance themselves from the unfolding events.

The Pursuit of Publication and the Challenges of Authenticity

Driven by a desire to turn their hobby into a career, the author embarked on a journey to publish their story. Joining a local writing group, they received advice to write as if speaking to a single person, but the author's ambition for universal appeal led them to ignore this guidance. Undeterred by the warnings of their teacher about the difficulties of publishing a first book, the author envisioned a captivating narrative of a married mother of four coming out as a lesbian, divorcing her husband, and finding a new love.However, the initial manuscript was a far cry from the author's vision, described as a "long-winded, pity-party full of righteous indignation and purple prose." Rejection after rejection followed, as the author struggled to find the right approach to their story, unsure whether to write a memoir or a lesbian romance.

Confronting the Truth and Embracing the Unfiltered Self

A turning point came when the author encountered Roxane Gay's work, particularly her memoir "Hunger," which inspired the author to confront their own experiences with a newfound honesty and vulnerability. Through a powerful exercise of reliving an early scene in the book, the author was forced to confront the possibility that they might be a man, a revelation that shattered the carefully constructed narrative they had built around themselves.Surfacing from the depths of denial was not without consequences, as the author's "happy ending" disappeared as quickly as the relationship that had given it shape. This moment of reckoning led the author to become more aware of their use of language as a means of disguising the truth, both on the page and in their daily life. Determined to break this habit, the author began to write about their darkest secrets and most shameful traits, a process that felt as essential as breathing.

The Arduous Journey to Publication and the Power of Perseverance

The author's journey to publication was marked by a series of setbacks and rejections, as they navigated the challenges of being a marginalized writer. Concerns about quotas and competition with other queer and trans authors added to the author's anxiety, but they persevered, reaching out to industry connections and taking a leap of faith by contacting Liz Gilbert's agent, Sarah Chalfant.The author's persistence paid off when Sarah Chalfant expressed interest in the manuscript and suggested it might be a good fit for Malaga Baldi, an experienced agent with a focus on counterculture and queer authors. After a serendipitous encounter with Malaga, the author signed with her, finally believing that their book might have a fighting chance.The road to publication was not without its challenges, as the author and Malaga worked to refine the manuscript, navigating the concerns of editors who struggled to identify the target audience. It was not until the author decided to rewrite the manuscript with Roxane Gay's imprint in mind that the project truly found its footing, the author's newfound courage and authenticity shining through in the final draft.

The Transformative Power of Writing and the Kindness of Strangers

In the end, the author's journey to publication was not just a story of perseverance, but also one of the transformative power of writing and the kindness of strangers. By focusing on writing for Roxane Gay alone, the author was able to push through their fear and create a manuscript that felt clearer and more sharply defined.The author's chance encounter with Roxane Gay at a theater in New York, and the subsequent offer from Roxane's imprint, served as a testament to the power of serendipity and the generosity of those within the literary community. The author's success was not solely the result of their own hard work, but also the kindness and support of those who used their connections and experience to help guide the author towards their goal.Through this deeply personal and inspiring memoir, the author invites readers to witness the transformative journey of shedding the masks of the past and embracing one's authentic self. This captivating narrative serves as a testament to the power of the written word, the resilience of the human spirit, and the transformative potential of self-discovery.